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I still keep the blond walking doll and soft old teddy bear back home.  The very first imported toys I received from mother over two decades ago. Twenty-six years of struggle in a foreign land  which she now calls her home.  She’s alone, sickly, old, and lonely.  If you ask her what keeps her from going back home to her family, she’d tell you this:  “America’s my home.  My oldest son’s doing a back-breaking job in Korea.  *My youngest child’s slaving her ass off in Hong Kong.  My other son, my husband, and eight grandchildren are in the Philippines.  My children are all grown, they don’t need me anymore.”   Mom’s now fighting a different battle — with herself.

I live with the burden of my mother’s unhappiness.  At times I’m racked with guilt for being unable to care for her, for not turning out to be the daughter she could be proud of, for not pursuing the nursing career she wanted so much for me.  Her disappointments with her children kept her away so much longer than necessary.  Mom left large holes in our hearts.  She blamed us for her misery.  I used to blame her for mine. For years, there were hurts and pains, blames, suppressed, and
expressed anger.  Now, we know better: we’re not responsible for each other’s happiness.  Mom’s responsible for her own life and I’m responsible for mine.  The life she’s now leading is the road she’d chosen.  She didn’t opt for the road that leads back home… to her family.

From being OFW’s children, my brother and I became OFW parents.  We know the struggles, hardships and heartaches.  Mom decided years ago that we cannot survive in America so she refused to let us join her there.  But I survived the 6-household-1-year-job in Taiwan.  My brother twice survived Korea, and we’re both coping well where we are now.  What made her think we cannot make it there with her, in a country where there are less slave-driver employers?  Was it lack of faith in her own children?

We ought to grow better, not bitter.  Do not rely on your kids, partner, or anyone else for your happiness because, more often than not, you’re bound for disappointment.  In the process of striving hard in preparation for our kids’ future, isn’t it best to strive for our own inner development, too?  Or strive for a happy and fulfilled life?  Isn’t that a wonderful gift for your kids?

In his book, “Life Is A Tightrope”, W. Harris said that the best legacy we can leave our family may not be in a bank but in the deposits of faith we place in their hearts.  As migrant workers, don’t we all have a common mission to provide a better future for our family?  Yet we tend to get ourselves lost in our own struggle in attaining that goal.  We get too focused on our own suffering, absorbed in our own pain, and wallowing in self-pity.  We become self-centered, out of focus.

Being away from our family, most of us are unaware of the separation’s psychological impact on the children.  It’s not just us, OFWs, who suffer.  Those we left behind are fighting their own battles, too.  Some kids grow up feeling alone, scared, lonely and insecure.  Masking it with anger and indifference.  I was one of those kids…

I was jealous of the other kids whose moms hold hands with and kiss them affectionately.  I envy my pals whose families are complete during the holidays.  I was angry with my dad for not being the one to work abroad instead of my mom.  Now I understand it was no easy feat for our dear dad to raise three rebellious kids in my mom’s absence.  My big brothers and I dropped out of school many times before we finished our degrees.  My eldest brother fathered a child when he was nineteen.  I got pregnant with my child when I was nineteen.  Alcohol, smoking, dropping out of school, pre-marital sex — those things that break an OFW’s heart … the very same things that broke our poor mother’s heart.

When children are emotionally troubled, it’ll manifest in their reckless and destructive behaviors.  We fail to understand.  For every bad behavior, we as parents, nag, reprimand, get angry and talk harsh on them making the situation worse.  Sometimes we resort to emotional blackmail, making them feel guilty.  Words like, “Keep on with your bad ways and you’ll never see nor hear from me again.  When I die, it’ll be your fault!”  That’s cruel and unfair.  (What if you suddenly die?  The kid would have that in his conscience for his entire lifetime.)

You don’t just bring kids out into this world, leave them after a few years, and later on make an “X” for them in your life.  You don’t stop being a parent…not on a kid’s seventh hour, not even on his seventh decade.  Parenting’s a lifetime job, the obligations endless.  It doesn’t stop when our kids have their own kids or grandkids.  It isn’t all about sending them to school, providing good food and nice clothes or anything material.  It goes far beyond.

Do not make promises you cannot keep.  Our kids hold on to our words.  We shouldn’t give them false hopes.  Break your word many times and the children will lose their faith in you, in themselves, in the things they once believed in.

At the rate things are going right now, there’s a bleak chance of mother coming home.  If what they said is true about the home being where the heart is, then, her heart’s definitely not with us.  But I refuse to believe that.  My mother’s love isn’t lost.  There are just circumstances beyond our control which keep us from doing what we want to do.  That’s the case with mom.  I know she longs to be with her family, too.

Unlike the blond doll that lost its hair’s luster, with appendages forever missing; and the old balding teddy bear now saggy, my broken heart will mend, my crushed spirit will continue to rise and keep on keeping on.  Things may not turn out as I hoped for but it certainly will turn out as planned for, by the One-Up-There.  In His time.  For now, I just do what I feel is right.  That is, to bridge gaps.  Whatever we do or say, if it comes from the heart, it’ll surely touch a heart.  Mother will come home, to the loving arms of dad, my brothers, me and those eight pairs of young and small arms that hug the tightest and kiss the loudest — her grandkids, with their moms.

*The cover story of The Filipino Now International Magazine;  February 2007 issue  (I was in HK at the time of this writing.  I’m currently residing in Vancouver, BC.)